Well that didn't go well...

Sat here and said that I'd be more active on here and I haven't done a goddamn thing...

Well whatever.

Doesn't really matter anyway. Y'all know I (probably) won't go anywhere without at least saying somethin' so...

I don't know..

I'm still all fucked up like I said in the last journal I posted in this place. I guess it's lesser now, but... Still.

Still living at my mom's. But I got my car back. And I got a job. So if you all get Starbucks and have a fucky time with it, call Starbucks and you'll maybe get me to help you out. Depends. I'm not done with training yet, so if you have a screwy time with Starbucks in like... Four to six weeks, and call, then maybe you'll get me answering you. But it depends. We've got a shitload of people working all over the country so... I dunno.

Um..

I have no idea what to do for college. I don't even know if I want to go into Psychology anymore. If I keep landing myself in such a fucked up state, I don't know if I can help anyone else. Or - or - OR... It'll be like, I'll actually fucking LEARN something and have the balls to apply it to myself because LORD KNOWS I am AWFUL at that... I can give some of the best motherfucking advice (depending on the situation) but I DON'T HAVE THE GODDAMN BALLS TO DO SHIT FOR MYSELF MOST OF THE TIME.

Half the time I hate myself so goddamn much I want to just kill myself. Like right now. But I can't. Because I'm not stupid enough to. I hear the shit in my head and believe it, but I don't believe it enough to do anything major. Y'know? It's stupid. I can hear a hundred different things inside my head all calling my stupid, pathetic, a waste, a piece of shit, a fat bitch, a whore... All manner of harsh insults like that. And.. It's all so HARSH. Like I can't even emphasize enough for you how it all sounds to me. There isn't a tone of voice to emphasize how bad these insults are. The most serious and insulting voice you can imagine... That, ten fold. Twenty fold. Maybe more. That's how bad they are. But it doesn't matter really. I should just get over it right? I don't know...

And then the other half of the time I am on top of this goddamn nightmare world and so fucking full of myself that I couldn't give a shit if you told me to go kill myself or tell me to shut the fuck up. I just could NOT care AT ALL, and mow you down like all the other bitches that tell me to shut the hell up. I get so goddamn full of myself that I could look like a garbage truck hit me at 70 miles per hour and then landed in the garbage collecting part, crawl out and STILL think I was fucking amazing. (Actually, it would be considerably amazing if someone could live through that shit... Garbage trucks here in the US (for my non-US friends) are fucking huge so...)

Um..

So you know those times where you start thinking about things you haven't thought about in a long, long, looooonnnnnggg time?? Yeah, that's me lately. I've been thinking back to my years in middle school and the first two years of my high school career... What a fucking stupid and wonky time that was.. Ugh. I don't even know...

Um...

I have no fucking idea what else to write about...

Maybe more about work...

I'm in a training program, have been for a week now, so I literally JUST started this job.. I make $9.25 an hour and there is the option of earning pay raises for performance and the whole how-long-have-you-been-with-this-company sort of deal. So at 6 months I'll be making $9.50, and by like, a year and a half I'll be making $10 an hour. Which is amazing. Uh.. I work for a call center that has a whole bunch of companies using it for their call center. There's like, 6 different companies all using this ONE building for their call center. But this call center company has centers all over the country. Make sense? Uh.. Anyway, I'm one of the youngest in my training class. Everyone is either like 1-5 years older than me, or like, twice or three times my age. lol. My training instructor is super nice, very relaxed about most everything. I think we're kind of driving him nuts though... We talk too much. Like, WAY too much.

I work weird hours right now. I start at 3 PM and go to 11:30 PM. Ridiculous. We get half hour lunches... And I'm so gonna need a different meal to eat because Ramen and stupid-expensive pizza from the cafe is going to kill me. Call center work - for those that don't know - is a VERY sedentary job. Basically, I sit on my ass all day in a cubicle and talk to people who are bitching about their Starbucks drinks. Or at least that's what I WILL be doing soon. So it's either I eat like a squirrel every day or I just don't eat at all and live off water and juice/tea...

Anyway, it's a super relaxed work environment, because who the fuck is gonna care if you're in ripped jeans and a band tee if you're on the PHONE all day? The people who are calling ain't gonna see you! So it's not like it matters. As long as you don't come into work in your fucking birthday suit and you don't have your ass and tits hangin' out, no one really gives a shit.

And no, despite what you all think, I don't get free Starbucks. I get free office Starbucks. The stuff they make in the building on my floor, but that's it. However, I do get discounted Verizon phones, and a few other things... Just can't remember them right now. But the Verizon thing is the one that stuck because I like Verizon and I seriously need a new phone. Right now I have a Cosmos 2. It's a.. I don't even know how to describe it to you guys. It has QWERTY keyboard. That's how old it is. Go look it up.

So.. Because of this training program that I'm in, I know a SHIT LOAD of things that hardly anyone else knows because it's all company secrets... And technically I'm not allowed to say anything about it. So I'm not gonna. But it's totally cool to know why the fucking price of a goddamn cup of coffee is so ridiculous...

Anyway... Uh.
FUCKING ASK ME QUESTIONS. I WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO PEOPLE. HOLY SHIT.
SERIOUSLY. FUCKING ASK ME SHIT. STUPID QUESTIONS. I DON'T CARE. JUST TAAALK. PLEASE?!
Thank you~
-MD.