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Mute-Demon555

Difference is my specialty.
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Sat here and said that I'd be more active on here and I haven't done a goddamn thing...

Well whatever.

Doesn't really matter anyway. Y'all know I (probably) won't go anywhere without at least saying somethin' so...

I don't know..

I'm still all fucked up like I said in the last journal I posted in this place. I guess it's lesser now, but... Still.

Still living at my mom's. But I got my car back. And I got a job. So if you all get Starbucks and have a fucky time with it, call Starbucks and you'll maybe get me to help you out. Depends. I'm not done with training yet, so if you have a screwy time with Starbucks in like... Four to six weeks, and call, then maybe you'll get me answering you. But it depends. We've got a shitload of people working all over the country so... I dunno. :shrug:

Um..

I have no idea what to do for college. I don't even know if I want to go into Psychology anymore. If I keep landing myself in such a fucked up state, I don't know if I can help anyone else. Or - or - OR... It'll be like, I'll actually fucking LEARN something and have the balls to apply it to myself because LORD KNOWS I am AWFUL at that... I can give some of the best motherfucking advice (depending on the situation) but I DON'T HAVE THE GODDAMN BALLS TO DO SHIT FOR MYSELF MOST OF THE TIME.

Half the time I hate myself so goddamn much I want to just kill myself. Like right now. But I can't. Because I'm not stupid enough to. I hear the shit in my head and believe it, but I don't believe it enough to do anything major. Y'know? It's stupid. I can hear a hundred different things inside my head all calling my stupid, pathetic, a waste, a piece of shit, a fat bitch, a whore... All manner of harsh insults like that. And.. It's all so HARSH. Like I can't even emphasize enough for you how it all sounds to me. There isn't a tone of voice to emphasize how bad these insults are. The most serious and insulting voice you can imagine... That, ten fold. Twenty fold. Maybe more. That's how bad they are. But it doesn't matter really. I should just get over it right? I don't know...

And then the other half of the time I am on top of this goddamn nightmare world and so fucking full of myself that I couldn't give a shit if you told me to go kill myself or tell me to shut the fuck up. I just could NOT care AT ALL, and mow you down like all the other bitches that tell me to shut the hell up. I get so goddamn full of myself that I could look like a garbage truck hit me at 70 miles per hour and then landed in the garbage collecting part, crawl out and STILL think I was fucking amazing. (Actually, it would be considerably amazing if someone could live through that shit... Garbage trucks here in the US (for my non-US friends) are fucking huge so...)

Um..

So you know those times where you start thinking about things you haven't thought about in a long, long, looooonnnnnggg time?? Yeah, that's me lately. I've been thinking back to my years in middle school and the first two years of my high school career... What a fucking stupid and wonky time that was.. Ugh. I don't even know...

Um...

I have no fucking idea what else to write about...

Maybe more about work...

I'm in a training program, have been for a week now, so I literally JUST started this job.. I make $9.25 an hour and there is the option of earning pay raises for performance and the whole how-long-have-you-been-with-this-company sort of deal. So at 6 months I'll be making $9.50, and by like, a year and a half I'll be making $10 an hour. Which is amazing. Uh.. I work for a call center that has a whole bunch of companies using it for their call center. There's like, 6 different companies all using this ONE building for their call center. But this call center company has centers all over the country. Make sense? Uh.. Anyway, I'm one of the youngest in my training class. Everyone is either like 1-5 years older than me, or like, twice or three times my age. lol. My training instructor is super nice, very relaxed about most everything. I think we're kind of driving him nuts though... We talk too much. Like, WAY too much.

I work weird hours right now. I start at 3 PM and go to 11:30 PM. Ridiculous. We get half hour lunches... And I'm so gonna need a different meal to eat because Ramen and stupid-expensive pizza from the cafe is going to kill me. Call center work - for those that don't know - is a VERY sedentary job. Basically, I sit on my ass all day in a cubicle and talk to people who are bitching about their Starbucks drinks. Or at least that's what I WILL be doing soon. So it's either I eat like a squirrel every day or I just don't eat at all and live off water and juice/tea...

Anyway, it's a super relaxed work environment, because who the fuck is gonna care if you're in ripped jeans and a band tee if you're on the PHONE all day? The people who are calling ain't gonna see you! So it's not like it matters. As long as you don't come into work in your fucking birthday suit and you don't have your ass and tits hangin' out, no one really gives a shit.

And no, despite what you all think, I don't get free Starbucks. I get free office Starbucks. The stuff they make in the building on my floor, but that's it. However, I do get discounted Verizon phones, and a few other things... Just can't remember them right now. But the Verizon thing is the one that stuck because I like Verizon and I seriously need a new phone. Right now I have a Cosmos 2. It's a.. I don't even know how to describe it to you guys. It has QWERTY keyboard. That's how old it is. Go look it up.

So.. Because of this training program that I'm in, I know a SHIT LOAD of things that hardly anyone else knows because it's all company secrets... And technically I'm not allowed to say anything about it. So I'm not gonna. But it's totally cool to know why the fucking price of a goddamn cup of coffee is so ridiculous...

Anyway... Uh.
FUCKING ASK ME QUESTIONS. I WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO PEOPLE. HOLY SHIT.
SERIOUSLY. FUCKING ASK ME SHIT. STUPID QUESTIONS. I DON'T CARE. JUST TAAALK. PLEASE?!
Thank you~
-MD. :rose:
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Hi there. I know I haven't been on in quite a long time... I log in every couple of months now rather than like.. Every day. Just been... Trying to keep myself alive, y'know?

I've graduated high school. :dummy: Now it's on to College in the Spring, and a job and all sorts of other things.

Um. I'd tell you guys everything that's happened, but that would take forever so.... I guess I'll just tell you what's going on now..

I'm living with my mother currently. Have been for like two weeks now. After a major anxiety+panic attack I had after a massive fight with my father... If I have another one, my mother (who has medical knowledge/experience) said I could possibly be hospitalized. So... Yay. And on top of that, I'm pretty sure I'm slowly going insane. And not in the funny, adolescent joking way. I legitimately fear for myself sometimes... But whatever. I'll live, I'm sure...

I'm not really sure I'm okay, honestly. I think I need medication. Which is stupid because I literally used to refuse medication when I was younger... I don't know, really. :XD: I'm fine. I think.

But um.. I'm still with Deven. We just celebrated our two year anniversary a couple weeks ago. Maybe longer than that.. I lose track of time so easily now.. Um.

Oh. I got a car for Christmas in 2013. But I can no longer drive it because I put off college until the Spring. I was supposed to start a few weeks ago, at the University, buuuuuut. Shit happened. I decided not to go. And I have a plan for Spring, but my dad doesn't care. I threw my car keys at him in the aforementioned day of panic and anxiety attacks I had... Anyway, yeah, after all that on that day, I went to live with my mom, where Deven moved into in July..

Um... I dunno. This whole year has been insane and I guess it's just finally resurfacing in my mind as some kind of psychosis..

I think I'm gonna start posting more... Start a journal or something.. Use this as a blog or something.. My own personal, private(-ish) section of hell... A place where no one will bother me for what I say.. Or maybe I'll just start up a new account and tell whoever asks via note for a link to my new place.. I'm not sure... I think I'll just stick with this one.. Maybe I'll post the entry from the journal my mom bought me.. I don't know...

I haven't left Deven's bed much at all today... Hell I barely ate.. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a bowl of rice, corn, beans and chicken for lunch...

whats wrong with me.. why is there so much noise inside my head..
why cant i believe whats in front of me, but believe the lies inside my mind...
whats wrong with me.. noise, noise, NOISE...
all screaming at once...
they wont shut up..
i drown the thoughts in my head with music that screams twice as loud..

whats wrong with me...

I'm really tired of everything right now I guess. But I've barely done anything for these last two weeks.. I need something to do.. A job or a group of jobless, not-in-college losers like me to do things with sometimes... I don't know.

Fuck.. Um..
Yeah.
I guess.
Things are weird.
Life is dumb, but I'm so tired of sleeping...

See you all later...
-MD. :blackrose:
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Hey there guys..

Dropping in to tell anyone who cares that I'm not dead.
Although it feels like I am. :XD:

I don't really know what to do anymore, honestly. I'm more stressed than anything, but that's not a surprise. I'm always stressed out over one thing or another.

This doesn't really matter, actually... Just me ranting. :XD: oh well.

I'm just really worried about... Well. Just about every fucking thing possible to me right now.

Everything from my stupid fucking credit card bullshit
To my fear/joy of being on my own in a matter of months
To being able to get a job and a car and pay rent and insurance and phone and all that other fabulous shit
And everything else in between! Such as school and friendships and all that crap.

*sigh* I swear to god I'm not gonna make it..

I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing anymore. Hence the title. It's absolutely wonderful. I fucking love this feeling. (Can you tell I'm being sarcastic? Ugh.)

I'll figure out something, I think. Or just make it up as I go along. I don't know.

All I know is that I need to finish this bullshit known as High School.
And that I need a car.
And a job.
And an affordable place to live.
And a budget.
And...
And...
And...

For fuck's sake, why does this shit have to be so goddamn crazy?

Okay... I'll figure this crap out.
End rant.
:bulletblue:

Sorry... I just need to rant. :XD:

I hope all you misfits and losers are doing okay. Catch you all later. =P
-MD. :blackrose: 
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Well shit...

3 min read
Hey there you freaks, losers and general misfits...

Guess what?

I graduate High School this year.

This is fucking horrifying. To me, at least.

I just... Can't even believe it.

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. :noes:

I don't know what to do with myself. At all.

I mean... I know I'll be okay. With Deven, I know I'll be fine. SPEAKING OF WHICH! On August 16th, it will be our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! :la: I'm so excited!

But anyway. I'm going into my Senior year of High School. The first day is tomorrow, the 13th. I'm just... I'm horrified. I have so much to complete this year...
-One Community College course. (Hopefully pertaining to my career of choice: Graphic Design. I can do more than one, but... No.)
-A Senior Project. (Fucking DUH. It's Senior Year.)
-A 40 hour internship. (That I'll be paid for, and it also should pertain to my career.)

I'm shooting for A's and B's for grades this year.. I'm sure I'll be able to do it. If I buckle down and work my ass off. :XD:

Now. I can CHOOSE to skip out on the Community College course AND the 40 hour internship. BUT I WON'T because then I won't graduate with full honors. I'm really mad at Deven for choosing to skip out on the internship and college course, but... I don't think there's really anything I can do about it. He has enough to deal with as it is.

I'm just so scared... This is it. After this, I'm out on my own... I need a job. A car. A place to live. Oh my goodness this is just... Ugh. OH! Maybe I'll take Financial Literacy as my college course... That may help.


BUT WHAT THE FUCKING HELL AM I GOING TO DO FOR MY SENIOR PROJECT?!!??!??!?! :dead:
OHMYGOD I HAVE NO IDEA!
Guys, can you help me out here? What should I do? I know, generally speaking, it SHOULD pertain to my Graphic Design interest, but I really have absolutely NO idea how to do that! :noes:

Okay. I'm done here. I have to go make dinner now.
SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, YOU BUNCHA LOSERS. I mean that in a loving way... Don't kill me..
-MD. :heart:
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Hey guys.

Okay. Just a little side note:

Disregard that last journal entry. He's decided to keep his car for a while longer. Thanks anyway.

OKAY.
ONTO MY REAL TOPIC.

Someone.
Seriously.
Get me off of this computer.
Ohmygod.

I spend way too much time on imgur.com/r/creepy

It's seriously fucking with me now. Omg.

It's okay, but really... It's one thirty in the afternoon and I'm scared to leave my couch. :XD:

Hope you all are having fun with your summers.
Talk to you all later. :P If the internet doesn't kill me first... o.e;
-MD. :rose:
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